Higher Ground

Y'all can hate on Hollywood ascetics like Marianne Williamson all you want, but I've been a believer for a lotta years. And after last night, I am now a devotee. You see, last night I received a long-distance "healing" while watching her on "Oprah."

But let me back up a minute. Basically, Marianne Williamson literally saved my life back in January of 1996, when I got drop-kicked by the love of my life, the Numb-Nut Norwegian. That was a really, really, REALLY dark period for me. After he dumped me via voicemail the day after New Year's (which was two days after his wedding ceremony that he neglected to mention), for a while I thought I only had one choice left in life: jumping off a bridge or walking in front of a speeding tractor trailer.

Fortunately, I have really, really, REALLY good friends who were determined not to let that happen. Like my best friend Faith who flew me out to San Diego for a week. During that trip, I read Marianne Williamson's book, "A Return to Love." I don't really remember what made me buy it, especially as emotionally destroyed as I was, but I must have just been grasping at straws.

Anyway, even if you don't know who Marianne Williamson is, you've probably seen this quote or some portion of it somewhere:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Through all the raw, gut-wrenching, soul-shattering pain I was drowning in, those words connected a few wildly misfiring neurons in my brain. Oh, it took a year or two to approach something even vaguely resembling healing, but reading that passage while I was contemplating "checking out" over a man whose callous behavior had left me feeling worthless and rejected was transformational.

I think I read that book at least a hundred times while fighting my way out of the abyss. And even though it hasn't been roses and lollipops for me in the relationship realm ever since, somehow, I'm able stay connected to my core.........

At least mostly. I gotta admit that with my latest bout of mid-life "Flashdancing," I was starting to falter. At times, it's been too easy to visualize myself just withering on the vine, and that there's not a whole lot to look forward to once this misery ends. Without question, my symptoms of the past month or so have been the worst I've experienced, and that's really saying something.

Fortunately, I've found a good doctor here in Nairobi who's helping me move toward a diet and therapy routine that should help. But what seems to have instantly helped was watching Marianne Williamson and Oprah discussing women who'd had amazing mid-life epiphanies. One woman was a successful Cincinnati DJ for nearly 30 years, but never felt fulfilled until she quit and opened a florist's shop. She makes about 20 percent of her former salary and never felt more joy and energy. Another woman got laid off as an investment banker and started making designer chocolates. A 63 year old lawyer said her biggest accomplishment in life was earning her 4th degree black belt, starting when she was 50. The whole show was about embracing new chapters of life, and not letting fear of aging paralyze us.

There I sat with the fan pointed straight at me, reflecting on the next phase of my own life with all the joy and anticipation that accompanies a scalding hot coffee enema. But during that program, something shifted. What if I started thinking of what I'm going through as a "Graduation Ceremony" instead of a "Death Knell"? What if instead of dreading the uncomfortable physical symptoms down to the depths of my soul, I stopped resisting and just let them flow over me? What if I focused on how strong I am, and every other woman who's possessed my DNA is and has been, and how I can conquer this natural phase of life with the same willpower and fortitude that they used to get through life?

"What if I KNEW I was powerful beyond measure?"

Once again, the wildly misfiring neurons settled down. I felt a lot calmer when that program ended. Hell, I even turned the fan off for a while! And the funny thing is, I slept a lot easier last night. The sheets weren't as soggy, and my mind wasn't racing. This morning, instead of turning my back to the dawn, dreading the start of a new day, I rolled over and actually let the sunlight wash over me. And halfway through the next day, I really do feel a lot better than I've felt in weeks.

That ain't nothing but the power of of "The Big O," honey chile. With a little assist from Ms. Williamson, to whom I now owe a double debt. Through the sheer force of her words, she has once again pulled me up from the depths towards higher ground, just like Stevie Wonder always does with his music.

People keep on learnin'

Soldiers keep on warrin'

World keep on turnin'

Cause it won't be too long.

Powers keep on lyin'

While your people keep on dyin'

World keep on turnin'

Cause it wont be too long.

I'm so darn glad He let me try it again

Cause my last time on Earth I lived a whole world of sin

I'm so glad that I know more than I knew then

Gonna keep on tryin'

Till I reach the highest ground.

Teachers keep on teachin'

Preachers keep on preachin'

World keep on turnin'

Cause it wont be too long.

Lovers keep on lovin'

Believers keep on believin'

Sleepers just stop sleepin'

Cause it wont be too long.

I'm so glad that He let me try it again

Cause my last time on Earth I lived a whole world of sin

I'm so glad that I know more than I knew then

Gonna keep on tryin

Till I reach my highest ground.

Till I reach my highest ground.

No one's gonna bring me down

Till I reach my highest ground.