Gabourey's Gift

Thank God for hot stone spa pedicures and Ebony Magazine! Even though you have to pay about 3 times more for American magazines over here, it's worth it for me to stay in touch with the cultural zeitgeist back home. (And the GREAT news is that a hot stone spa pedicure here costs about half what it would in the US!!!)

Anyway, this morning after following some of the Oscars ceremony on Twitter, I remembered I'd bought the March issue of Ebony, with Gabourey Sidibe on the cover, but hadn't gotten around to reading it. I was thrilled when Mo'Nique won for Best Supporting Actress, as I knew she would, but I knew Gabby didn't have a shot for the Best Actress nod. After all, "Precious" was her first film role, even though she gave an incredible performance.

Everything else I've read about Ms. Sidibe lately leaves me with the impression that she's an incredibly smart, centered young woman, whose empowered persona and worldview are light years away from the character she played. She seems quite confident and, yes, I'll use that dreaded code word that has stalked me throughout my life, and which is generally bestowed upon African Americans whose vocabulary extends beyond that of a Wayans Brothers sketch--Gabby is very "articulate" in interviews.

I only invoke that "Ripley's Believe It Or Not" kind of label that gets attached to poised black folk because as I read her Ebony interview remarks, I realized that this young woman is also incredibly wise. Vastly more than I was when I was 26. You see, back then, I was completely, utterly focused on proving to the world that I was NOT the frightened, backwards and, yes, unattractive person I thought I was. It hurts and even embarrasses me to have to admit that back when I was 100 pounds fully clothed and soaking wet, had a washboard stomach and muscular legs--and fully functioning ovaries--that I actually believed I was....ugly. But yes, I did. And I thought I had to accomplish something big with my life to earn whatever scrap of love, attention, caring might come my way.

It would take far too long to fully explain why I felt that way, but here's the shorthand: 18 years of being poor, black and marginalized in a racist town did a real number on me. Toss in being raised a Jehovah's Witness, which meant you were supposed to be even more invisible and to renounce worldly trappings that might have helped you feel less worthless, and it has literally taken me nearly the entire 30 years since I left Cairo to achieve a steady, stable level of positive self-esteem.

There are actually times now when I look in the mirror, and I even think I'm...pretty. If I've had enough sleep, and I'm not bloated, and I'm wearing something really cute, I even feel blessed to be a good-looking 48 year old broad. And I look at my wide, African nose and my Hershey's colored skin and my spiky, matted locs, and I think they make me look exotic, even.

Granted, that feeling only happens about a couple times a month, but at least during the rest of the month I don't harshly disparage what stares back at me in the mirror.

Anyway, it took me 48 years to get here. But reading Gabby Sidibe's words literally took my breath away. She is a young African American woman born into the same society that made me feel invisible and ugly 40 years ago, and which even though things have improved slightly in terms of accepting women of color, there's still a long way to go (please refer to the previous posting). Gabby still has to confront the insanely persistent prejudice against overweight people around the world, especially for someone as large as she is.

And yet, if her words are to be believed, this girl has an astonishing sense of self that I couldn't have even fantasized about back when I was 26. I'm including her quotes here because after starting the day being demoralized by the Michelle Obama affront, Gabby Sidibe's interview was like a beautiful gift to all women of African descent, of every size, shape and color. Her words are excerpted as follows:

"Precious exists in people I've known. She exists in people I do know. She had to look in a mirror and see a blonde girl in order to leave the house. I know that girl. I've been that girl. It's really hard to get to the point where you are comfortable in your own skin. It takes work. I've been there so long, I've forgotten what the work is. But there came a point in my life where I was tired of being uncomfortable with myself. That's step number one: just reach the point where you are exhausted."

EDITOR'S NOTE: Amen girlfriend. I got there myself, about 5 years ago.

"Then, I found something about myself that I liked, the idea that I think everything is funny--a self-defense mechanism I'm sure, but I like it. And then I harped on it so much that I eventually loved it. Then I found more things that I liked about myself. (Pressed for examples, Gabby rattles off: chubby cheeks, straight teeth, her snort when she gets a good laugh going.)

EDITOR'S NOTE: I don't have chubby cheeks, but I've been pretty blessed to have teeth that look like I wore braces, mostly smooth,clear skin, and I can snort like a warthog when I'm really tickled! And frankly, if I was unable to find the humor in just about everything that happens to me, I'd have gone completely insane years ago.

"It's really like building a puzzle, the puzzle of you. I found more things I liked about me until I was able to completely love myself as I am now."

Wow. What a beautiful analogy. "It's really like building a puzzle, the puzzle of you." That's what I think I've accomplished, and I'm so thrilled for Gabourey Sidibe that she figured it out decades earlier than I did. No matter what happens with her acting career, she has already won a Lifetime Achievement Award that isn't plated in gold, but burnished with deep, dark Mahogany.