I Say Love, It Is a Flower, And You, Its Only Seed

As someone who spent the first 18 years of her life NOT celebrating holidays, I think I've finally figured out my general attitude about them. Bottom line? I can quite honestly take 'em or leave 'em. Oh, sure, I love opening gifts and quaffing adult beverages and eating myself comatose as much as the next person. But unless I'm around a critical mass of friends and family, holidays are no different than any other day for me. Oh, and here's another thing: any holiday created solely for the purpose of making you feel like a loser if you don't celebrate it exactly as scripted is just hype, and as I mentioned in the previous posting, I HATE HYPE.

Christmas and Thanksgiving are primarily about families getting together. Most people have families, or have cobbled together some semblance thereof. Sure, for Christmas some folks get absolutely possessed about spending money they don't have and trying to outdo their neighbors, so it's probably the most disgustingly commercialized orgy known to man. But at it's core, it's a time for families to get together and be grateful for another year together. Even if your family is completely deranged and the whole experience is a stressful psychodrama, at least you were together.

Now let us consider Valentine's Day. I guess it's safe to say that globally, most people have mates of some kind. It's hard to know the exact ratio, but it's probably a majority. Out of that mated group, maybe half are content in their relationships, not being mistreated, and are fully committed to staying together. The other half of that mated group are in varying degrees of confusion, frustration or apathy, and just haven't gotten around to ending it.

And then there are those of us who aren't mated up. At this time of year, no matter how successful, or content, or at least non-suicidal about that situation you might be, the first two weeks of February are patently designed to make you feel like a useless lump of phlegm. If you're a woman who doesn't own some red drawers and you don't get a dozen roses or a piece of jewelry, you're a reject. If you're a guy who hasn't arranged a romantic weekend getaway or fancy dinner reservation, and the only way you'll get your brains screwed out is if you pay for it, you're a heel. In short, if you're not celebrating Valentine's Day, in the classically approved Hallmark Card style manner, there is something very wrong with you.

Well, who does the day really benefit? Let's get back to that majority of people who have mates. Perhaps the day helps them show their appreciation in an extra special way. Who could object to that? And maybe for those who are unhappily mated, if the right gift or gesture is made on that day, maybe it can help get things back on track. But.....what if you choose the wrong gift, or one that's just tacky? What if you aren't sufficiently romantic and emotive on that day? Or what if you love the heck out of your partner, but simply forgot to get a gift, or mail a card, or make a dinner reservation, period? In short, what does the day really mean?

By this point, you may have concluded that this missive is just my way of rationalizing yet another Valentine's Day spent alone, and you'd be right. Thinking back, I've probably only actually celebrated it a handful of times. On balance, I've been remarkably adept at starting new relationships after February 14th, and making sure they ended well before the next one rolled around. During my longest relationship of about 3 years, the Hapless Haitian decreed during the first V-Day that he was philosophically opposed to it. I knew that just meant he was cheap as hell, but I didn't kick up a fuss about it. On the second V-Day, after we'd gotten engaged, I expected some romance, dammit.

When we got together at the end of that day (of course I'd made the effort to cook a great meal and buy scandalous lingerie!!!), I expected he'd at least show up with flowers. I think I shocked him by just how much I could pout after his empty-handed entrance...AND when I announced my sudden onset migraine. Homey ran out to Kroger's and bought a handful of scrawny-ass blooms, and came back with a sincere apology. After a few glasses of wine, the migraine disappeared and all was forgiven.

But another Valentine's Day stands out even more, and recalling it, I think it's why I'm writing this post. The guy I was dating was out of town on business, so I wasn't expecting any windswept romance, per se. A card, some flowers at the office, or even a phone call, would have sufficed. I got nuthin', and it hurt. But the next day, this huge bouquet of beautiful roses arrived. My office mates did the obligatory "oohs" and "ahhhs," but deep down I knew they were pitying me for my insensitive clod of a boyfriend. When he called later on, I remember being frosty as hell. Those roses might as well have been stinkweed mixed with poison ivy for all I cared. It was too little, too late, because I'd been robbed of the thrill of getting them on the actual holiday.

Flash forward a decade or so, and now I realize how petty I was being. Sure, it's important to make an effort in relationships, and remembering actual dates of things like anniversaries and birthdays can indicate that you care. Making sure that the flowers arrive on Feb. 14th instead of 15th can also mean you take things seriously. But is it a deal-breaker if you don't?

A few weeks ago, a 28 year old woman here in Nairobi told me she's holding out for the flowers, the candlelight and the romance in her search for a husband. Given how hard that was for me to find on American soil, I was fascinated hearing an African woman, in a culture where you're considered an ancient freak if you're still single after 25, say she intends to wait for that Knight in Shining Armor. I couldn't help playing devil's advocate. I asked her if she would reject a man who is strong, kind, loving, who wants her to bear his children, who's financially responsible, makes her laugh and is great in bed, but who thought roses and candy and candlelight dinners were a silly waste of time and money.

She didn't know how to answer, but I could almost see the tectonic plates shifting in her brain. I just know that young woman will start to view the search for a life partner a bit differently, in part because that question was posed by a 48 year old never-married woman! But I think she'll also start to consider that love and commitment can be expressed 365 days a year without a single flower being proffered. Your man can buy you roses til the cows come home, but will he be there during a job loss, or severe depression, or a terminal cancer diagnosis?

I think I'm pretty lucky, because at this point of my life, I've seen what true love looks like, and I'm 98 percent certain I'll recognize it when it's my turn. Besides, yesterday I bought myself 3 dozen perfect roses for 7 dollars!! After I move back to the US, I will long for the days when gorgeous flowers were so cheap and plentiful. And you know, I think I appreciate these roses so much more, because I truly know, admire, and accept the person they came from, flaws and all.

Happy Valentine's Day to me!