Catalytic Converter

Man, when the Universe starts unloading blog post material, it's like, "WHOA! Let me at least catch my breath from the last one, already!"

If you will recall, last night's email stroll down memory lane left me in a bit of a tizzy. A man from my past, whom we shall simply refer to as "Mr. DeFlowers" and leave it at that, reached through the Internet Cyber Mists to say hello and find out what the heck is going on in my life. It was a completely innocuous exchange, and at least until the toxic blend of red wine and lemongrass and ginger vodka made me pass out, I spent a lot of time reminiscing about "The Way We Were."

At the moment, it didn't matter that I had dated him 23 years ago, before we were both even fully formed psycho-social beings, and that no promises were made, and no child custody battles ensued. It was "just one of those thangs." So why did his contact freak me out so badly?

I'm not entirely sure, other than it seemed to be yet another example of how other folks seem to be a lot more skilled at collecting meaningful life appendages than I am. Sure, I've got most people beat in terms of world travel, amazing experiences, and some impressive professional accomplishments. But for some reason, I seem incapable of bringing anybody along with me for the ride. And so when Mr. DeFlowers mentioned the wife and kid, I completely lost my shit for a minute. It was like, "What are you trying to do, rub it in?? Well, I hope you've aged really badly, and your wife is a dragon, and your spawn is entirely incapable of getting hooked on phonics!!! So THERE!!!!"

But then, after about 4 Advil Liqui-gels and the clear light of dawn, I awoke to discover something amazing had happened. It seems Mr. DeFlowers had also tracked down this blog. And read last night's posting. And it appears he's much more of a grownup than I am. Because instead of dismissing me as a bitter harpy, which would have been an entirely appropriate response, he sent me one of the loveliest emails I've ever received! I won't share the entire contents, but I will say that he started by saying I'm still one of the best writers he's ever read, and mentioning that he STILL keeps a few of the newspaper features columns I wrote in the late 80's. (Okay, that's either slightly stalk-y, or just plain sweet). He said knowing me had made him a better person, and that I had been one of the "great women of his life."

I'm actually kind of stunned. Not so much that he thought I was a great woman, but because he didn't rip me a new one for being such a bitch in last night's post. But I'm also reminded that he's the 5th guy in recent years who's reached out after a break-up to basically say I was one of the best things that had ever happened to them.

Clearly, there is still much work to be done for me to evoke that state of consciousness DURING MY ACTUAL RELATIONSHIPS. But wait.....I take that back. In hindsight, I think that mindset may have been part of the problem. With most of the guys I pursued, I was like a cheerleader O'D'ing on Red Bull, doing furious backflips trying to get them to prove that they cared. Maybe if I'd just relaxed and been myself, things would have been different. (In fact, maybe if I'd treated them like shit, they'd have slobbered at my feet...)

But that's just "Stinkin' Thinkin'," and I refuse to go there! As I told Mr. DeFlowers in my carefully considered email response, I'm ultimately very grateful to him for contacting me. Initially, I'd decided not to respond directly, but then I connected with my Better Angel, who is a hell of a lot more mature than I am. After all, I had at least indirectly put his business out there on the Internet, so why be a chicken about it now? So I sincerely thanked Mr. DeFlowers for what he'd expressed. I wished him well, praised the picture of his adorable little boy, and said he'd been one of my first great teachers.

(And NO, not just in THAT way!)

You see, he was the first guy to decisively demonstrate that trying to force someone to behave like they want to be with you is a sucker's game. As I explained, it took me two decades to fully grasp that lesson, but I'm happy to anounce that it's now emblazoned on my brain.

Meanwhile, I take no small amount of comfort in realizing that for quite a few guys, I was the ultimate "catalytic converter," the engine that propelled them to a higher level and perhaps even made them treat the next terrific woman they met with a lot more thoughtfulness and appreciation. For that heroic effort, there's gotta be some kinda Karmic green stamps coming my way real soon.