Crimes Against Fashion

If I see just one more Kenyan woman wearing a taupe-colored pantsuit, I swear I will hurl up my giblets. Or a black skirt suit with a white blouse, for that matter. Or ANY kind of simple, earth-toned polyester suit with a collared shirt.

Guess I better start wearing a bucket tied around my neck, 'cause I'm gonna be doing a lotta hurling. From a fashion perspective, working in the Central Business District of Nairobi is like being trapped on Capitol Hill, where every 20-something Congressional intern is dressed like every OTHER intern, and where they all look boring as hell.

I thought about that this morning while getting ready for work. I'd just read an email attachment from my friend Veronica in Chicago, about the historical significance of Michelle Obama's butt. No, that was not a typographical error. That's exactly what the African American female writer spent a thousand or so words ruminating about.

Now, I have to give careful consideration to what I'm about to write here, because a sister livin' in a glass house would WANT not to start throwing stones. I am the EMPRESS of Snark, and always eager to mine sarcastic humor from any situation. Clearly, the writer was flexing her funny bone as she analyzed the meaning of having the first African American First Lady be so tall and toned and athletic...and packin' so much junk in her trunk.

Obviously, having survived the psychological punishment of a society where blonde hair, blue eyes and a rail thin body are considered the epitome of beauty, I could relate. Even though I lost a great deal of ass matter during my enforced malnourishment in Gulu, I've been just as victimized by the whole body image baggage African American women have endured through the centuries. Our plump derrieres have been equally demonized and desired--but always characterized as non-mainstream.

Now, I'll refrain from judging the writer's success at executing her main thesis. (Although I WILL say the piece made me wonder if this type of commentary befits a woman of Michelle Obama's accomplishments and historical stature. Which of course will get me branded as simply hatin' on a fellow snark scribe, but oh well.) How it applies to the main thesis of THIS posting is that lately, I've been augmenting my DC 'drobe with some of the tailored outfits I had made in Uganda last year, and I'm really surprised by how Nairobi folks are reacting.

"It's all good, y'all." In a sea of black and taupe pantsuits, on Tuesday, I stood out like a Lexus on highbeam when I strolled into the newsroom wearing a two piece, tea-length flared skirt outfit made of vibrant green cloth adorned with spiny black fish patterns. Today, I'm wearing a navy blue top with another flared skirt with navy blue and gold swirls against a pale yellow backdrop. ("Trust me, it works, and I'm WORKIN' it.")

Oh yeah, and the booty is bangin'! Let's just say my nutritional status has improved significantly Post Gulu, so the Ugandan clothes fit as snug as a bug in a microfiber rug. But the funny thing is that a mere two years ago, I would never have worn skirts this fitted in public because I'd have felt like my butt looked HUGE and repulsive.

So how ironic is it now that I'm filled with ancestral pride in my rather regal, round rump, I'm working in an environment where any color brighter than beige stands out like a sore thumb???

I mean, sitting in the newsroom at this very moment, there is one woman in my vicinity wearing a red blouse. Every other female, and I do mean EVERY other, is wearing either black, brown, grey or white. An hour ago, on my way back to the office from an assignment with a reporter, I had plenty of time to people watch sitting in a traffic jam, and saw at least a hundred or so women during that trip. I noticed one woman wearing a rather vivid green suit.

EVERYBODY ELSE WAS WEARING BLACK, BROWN, OR TAUPE. OR GREY. OR NAVY BLUE.

Now, I can be just as historically analytical as the next gal, so I'll share my explanation for this daily fashion snoozefest in one of Africa's internationally famous capital cities. Arguably, Nairobi is considered one of the most
"cosmopolitan" spots on the continent. It certainly beats all hell out of Kampala, and Accra, and even my beloved Addis in terms of metropolitan amenities. It's the business and financial hub of East Africa, and before the post-election violence, it was probably one of the top 5 vacation destinations on the continent, mostly for its proximity to once-in-a-lifetime Safari tours.

This means there's a lot of international traffic flowing in and out of Nairobi, which means businesses, NGO's and governmental agencies have sought to create environments that are less "alien" to visitors. This means that though Kenya declared its independence from Great Britain in 1963, the European influence was already strongly entrenched, and that meant people had already adopted the dress and language of the same colonialists they were simultaneously telling to get the hell out.

Long story short, it's a rare day in downtown Nairobi when I see a woman wearing traditional clothing of any kind. Well, I take that back...I see quite a few Muslim women on a regular basis, with their long dark gowns and head coverings. But even they mix things up a bit with colorful scarves and other jangly adorments every now and then. The women toiling in the banks and restaurants and offices and stores of downtown Nairobi are rocking the same kind clothes American women wear. So when I break out one of my saucy suits, it never fails to earn extremely positive compliments.

One woman on the elevator Tuesday just lost her damn mind over the green fish get-up! She even said, "I wish I could wear something like that."

I wanted to grab her and shout, "Yes, You CAN!" And she SHOULD, for Chrissakes! I mean, if a Kenyan woman can't feel comfortable wearing African garb in freakin' downtown Nairobi, then WTF??? It's all about freeing our minds of stereotypes and rules about what a woman should wear or look like.

THAT'S what makes me so excited about Michelle Obama's fashion influence. I'm not saying I expect her to break out the Kente cloth any time soon, but if she did, she'd look FABULOUS! It's about naming and claiming her patented brand of confidence and poise, whether you're wearing jeans or a Ugandan skirt....or, given that logic, a black suit with a collared shirt, I guess.....

However, I still insist on drawing the line at anything taupe-colored. All you can do is look sickly in it, as far as I'm concerned. And if there's a "Taupe Lobby" out there poised to attack me for saying that, you can just kiss my green fish-covered boo-TAY.