"What a Ma-ROON!'

I’m about to start an international campaign banning the use of the word “luxury” on any property that does NOT have air-conditioning, an on-site masseuse and 24-hour room service. Violators of said campaign should be hanged, or at least forced to spend Eternity living on that property, instead of jetting in a couple of times a year from Europe to ride herd on the underpaid and overworked local staff.

I spent my birthday weekend in a TENT, people. And contrary to the slick brochure, it was not luxurious. Oh, there was a flush toilet, but I had that in my Gilligan-style thatched-roof hut on Lamu Island last year. This joint had no running water, and you could shower twice a day…once in the freezing-ass morning, and again in the evening after you get back from the game drive so covered with dust, you’ll scrape a handful from your asscrack.

But at least the water was nice and hot. I must confess it reminded me to focus on the simple things in life. That post-game drive shower felt GLORIOUS. Still, if I had to describe the overall environment (red ants and roving, wild-eyed baboon all-inclusive), I kinda felt like this fire extinguisher: a total Nimrod. Probably should have headed to the beach.