She Won't Back Down.....

It’s relatively quiet today in Julie’s room, and she’s sleeping. Comfortably, it seems. She hasn’t grimaced or moaned at all since I got here, which is good.

I’ll never understand hospitals. People go there because they’re sick, and yet there’s so much noise and disturbance, constantly. Julie’s in a private room, which may explain why it’s a little bit quieter, but in hospitals, there’s always somebody talking, or yelling, or rolling in a cart, or re-setting a machine, or giving a shot, or shifting your position, or flushing your port…..

How are you supposed to rest????? But then, Julie is so full of painkillers, including the maximum allowable dose of Demerol, she’s been able to sleep a lot. But sometimes the pain breaks through, and that’s when she grimaces and moans. That’s what freaks me out….I can’t stand to see her hurting.

Yet whenever she’s lucid, Julie says she wants to keep fighting. We’re still waiting to hear something from the M. D. Anderson Cancer Center, but all of her Carbondale doctors have pretty much shut down all hope for a miracle. They say the cancer is spreading so fast, there’s no way she could survive.

But I don’t think they’ve ever come across anybody like Julie Ann Marie Jones Newell. As sick as she is, whenever she’s lucid, she’s still as feisty and sassy as she is on her healthiest day. She’s been shooin’ hospice coordinators out of her room since she got here. She even tore into a doctor who brusquely advised her to just accept the fact that she’s gonna die and get it over with. Julie stopped short of telling him to kiss her too-sweet chocolate butt, but she vowed she’d see him next year, and the year after, and the year after.

Now my dear brother-in-law Ron is faced with the most grim, heart-wrenching task any mate has to tackle. He KNOWS she wants to keep fighting, so he’s determined to do whatever it takes to help her. He has rejected all hospice recommendations, too. He’s still clinging to hope that the M. D. Anderson folk will call and tell them to “come on down!” Ron says he’s in it for the long haul, and that he wants her to be at home, where she can still get medical help if something goes wrong. If she’s in hospice, you can’t call 911. Ron can’t bear the thought of letting her die that way.

But I don’t want to watch her writhe and scream with pain, and that may happen if she goes home tomorrow. The closest home hospice program is in Marion, Illinois, about an hour from Cairo, and there’s no way they could give us round-the-clock support from 60 miles away.
So, it looks like Julie will get her wish, to keep fighting and doing whatever it takes to stay alive. It looks like girlfriend does NOT want to go gentle into that good night. She’s going to rage, rage, rage.

Basically she just won’t back down from the Grim Reaper. She’s stood toe to toe with that sickle-bearing bastard, and actually sent him packing, so many times that she’s just not afraid of him. Through all of her health problems, accidents, and major crises, Julie has snarled, “Bring it ON, fella.”

While I was driving to the hospital the other day, a Tom Petty song summed up everything beautifully. It captures the essence of who Julie is and what’s happening to her now. When I think of that song, it makes me smile, and it helps me feel richly blessed that she’s my big sister, and that she’s passed on her strength to me. I wish Julie knew that all of the love and kindness and generosity and sweetness she has ladled out will never die. I wish she knew it’s okay to rest now.

Que sera, sera. So, with overwhelming gratitude to Tom Petty for providing the soundtrack for my sister’s journey, and with a heart bursting with love and joy, let me share these lyrics with you.

Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down.
You can stand me up at the gates of Hell
But I won’t back down.

Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground, and I won’t back down.

Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out.
Hey I will stand my ground,
And I won’t back down.

Well I know what’s right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around
But I’ll stand my ground and I won’t back down.

Hey baby there ain’t no easy way out.
Hey I will stand my ground,
And I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down.