I'm So Into ME.....

For the last 20 minutes, I've been in a daze. I don't know what I'm going to do. It's time to become a full-fledged, card-carrying grown up, and I'm paralyzed with fear.

This condition started a mere 3 days ago, while I was having lunch with the Education Secretary of the Gulu Independent School District. I'd first met Lillian Akech about a month ago, at the formal opening of the USAID Northern Uganda office. She was one of the first speakers at the ceremony, and I couldn't have NOT noticed her. She was wearing a gorgeous yellow gown with a matching headwrap, and she looked stunning! But then when she spoke, I REALLY noticed her....Lillian broke 'em off a little sumthin sumthin! She didn't care that the U.S. Ambassador to Uganda, or the Secretary of the Ministry of Justice were in the audience. She didn't care that the peace talks in Juba were still unfolding, and the political stance around the country is to be patient and diplomatic when speaking about the meetings.

Lillian lit into the crowd, and talked to the honored guests like they were all red-headed stepchildren! She basically admonished them, "Enough, already with the pomp and circumstance of the diplomatic process! The people in the IDP camps want to go home, and you need to get your collective acts together and make it happen."

I was blown away by her passion and frankness. So after she spoke, I wove my way through the crowd and introduced myself. I gave her my card, and I wrote her number on one of the handouts I'd picked up. Do I REALLY need to tell you that, of course, I lost that piece of paper?
The weeks since the office grand opening have been totally consumed with putting together Monday's workshop, but always in the back of my mind, I've been thinking, "I've got to meet with Lillian."

We finally got together on Thursday. She'd seemed like a much older woman when she spoke, but it turns out she's only 31. She has two kids, aged 4 and 2, and she's your average working mother, trying to juggle family and career. She told me the kids were in day care, and though she wasn't totally happy with the arrangement, it's the best she can do right now. I assured her that millions of American moms were in the same pickle.

Then she asked if I had kids. I told her no, but that I was thinking about adopting in the next few years. Lillian proceeded to tell me about the thousands of children in Uganda who've lost their parents, and how she used to work for this particular orphanage near Gulu. She asked what age range I was looking for, and I sheepishly told her 12 months or older...that way, I could still have the experience of raising a baby, but without as many middle of the night feedings!

I was just being my usually snarky self, but my rapier wit was lost on Lillian. She said I needed to adopt a newborn. A month old or so. She said it would allow me to fully bond with the baby. I agreed with her in theory, but I know myself far too well. I've finally been able to adjust to the hot flashes and mood swings enough to be able to sleep through the night....would I be boarding the Metroliner straight to Nervous Breakdownville if I tried to mother a bun that's fresh out of the oven???

We went round and round for a while, and then changed the subject. When I dropped Lillian off, she promised to take me to the orphanage to talk to the directors about adoption procedures in Uganda. I filed it away in the back of my cluttered head, thinking I'd start dealing with it in earnest, say, in October, when I was only 3 months from returning to the States.

Well, Lillian just called. I didn't see the caller ID, so I had no idea who was on the other end of the line saying, "I think I have found a baby for you. She is 2 weeks old, and her mother died. You come and see her."

Here was my response:

"Ah...um....er...gosh, Lillian, I don't quite know what to say....ummm.....I was thinking about looking into this in a few months, (gulp), um---well, ahhhhhh.......this is a shock...."

I know what she was thinking on her end. "Put up or shut up, bitch, You're the one who claimed you were so ready to be a mother....I'm trying to hook you up."

I am so dazed, I don't even know how I'm able to type this post. My blood literally went cold when she rang off. I panicked.....Lillian does not play. She will dog my every step until I go and see this tiny baby girl. She will heap rebukes upon my head if I weasel out of this. She'll think I'm a selfish American, all talk about helping out, but no action.

The thing is, I'm chock full of maternal instinct.....but am I ready to actually BE a mom??? As the title of this post suggests, I AM so into me. I can say it without shame....I love being able to do whatever the hell I want to do whenever the hell I want to do it. I long for my soulmate to appear, but I have a sinking suspicion that he got carjacked on the way to meeting me. I've struggled to accept the possibility that I may never marry, or even commit to a long-term relationship, but I'm comforted by the knowledge that I can eat cookies in bed whenever I want, or move to a war zone, or close the door to my apartment, snuggle up on the couch and watch Lifetime Movie Network until I sink into an hormonal frenzy.

Will I be able to do any of this if I had a baby? Would I have to think of somebody besides myself...not just as an abstract concept, or as a beloved godson or dear friend's baby? Am I really ready for this?

But what scares me the most is.....if I go to see her, will I be able to say no? One of my NPR co-workers, Deb, adopted a girl from Sierra Leone because the child came up to her while she was there producing a documentary, grabbed her hand, and said, "You will be my mother." Deb vowed that one day, my child would "find" me, too.

So once this daze subsides, I've got to figure out a way to either avoid meeting the little rug rat, or do a serious gutcheck and see if this is "my child." Forget about the fact that I don't have a home of my own established in DC, or that my finances could stand some work, or that I've never really shared my life with anyone.

I have to have the courage to at least go see this baby. I think. Or maybe I can get re-assigned to Tanzania. I'll sure as heck keep my mouth shut once I get there.